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PS 635 
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East of 
Lynn, Mass. 



TSDENISON & COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

A Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid. Unless Different Price is Given. 



DRAMAS. COMEDIES, ENTER- 
TAINMENTS. Etc. 

M. F. 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1 54 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 4 4 
All That Glitters Is Not Gold, 

2 acts, 2 hrs 6 3 

Altar of Riches, 4 acts, 2y 2 hrs. 

(25c) 5 5 

American Hustler, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. . . 4 5 
Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 8 4 
Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 9 3 

Bonnybell, 1 hr (25c).Optnl. 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2 J4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 h.(25c) 7 4 
Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 

Caste, 3 acts, 2^2 hrs 5 3 

Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. (25c) 17 14 
Cricket on the Hearth, 3 acts, 

Wa, hrs 7 8 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs... 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 acts, 

2J4 hrs.. (25c) 6 4 

Down i»- Dixie, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

East Lynne, 5 acts, 2 54 hrs.... 8 7 

Fditor-in-Chief. 1 hr (25c)10 

Elma, 1U hrs (25c) Optnl. 

Enchanted Wood, 1)4 h. (35c) Optnl. 

Eulalia, l J / 2 hrs (25c) Optnl. 

Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

From Sumter to Appomattox, 4 

acts, 2Vz hrs (25c) 6 2 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

\y 2 hrs (25c) 9 14 

HandyAndy(Irish),2acts,l^ h. 8 2 
Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 h (25c) 12 

Home, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 

hrs (25c) 13 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 
It's All in the Pay Streak, 3 

acts, \y A hrs (25c) 4 3 

Jayville Junction, \y 2 hrs.(25c)14 17 
Jedediah Judkins, J. P., 4 acts, 

2V 2 hrs (25c) 7 5 J 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 12 

Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2 l / A hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr.(25c)13 
Lonelyville Social Club, 3 acts, 

\y 2 hrs (25c) 10 



M. F. 

Louva, the Pauper, 5 acts, 2 h. . 9 4 
Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 5 2 

Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 

hrs (25c) 9 5 

Mirandy's Minstrels. ... (25c) Optnl. 

New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr 3 6 

Not Such a Fool as He Looks, 

3 acts, 2 hrs 5 3 

Odds with the Enemy, 4 acts, 

1H hrs 7 4 

Old Maid's Club, l l / 2 hrs. (25c) 2 16 
Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

1J4 hrs (25c) 12 9 

Only Daughter, 3 acts, 1J4 hrs. 5 2 
On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

2V 2 hrs (25c) 10 4 

Our Boys, 3 acts, 2 hrs 6 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 

Pet of Parson's Ranch, 5 acts, 2 h. 9 2 

School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1)4 hrs.. 6 5 

Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 

Seth Greenback, 4 acts, 1 J4 hrs. 7 3 

Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2'/ 2 h. 8 3 

Solon Shingle, 2 acts, 1^ hrs.. 7 2 

Sweethearts, 2 acts, 35 min 2 2 

Ten Nights in a Barroom, 5 

acts, 2 hrs 7 4 

Third Degree, 40 min (25c) 12 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Ticket-of-Leave Man, 4 acts, 2}£ 

hrs 8 3 

Tonv, The Convict, 5 acts, 2y 2 

"hrs (25c) 7 4 

Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h. . (25c) 6 4 

Trip to Storyland, 1 J4 hrs. (25c) 17 23 

Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
Under the Spell, 4 acts, 2^4 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES. COMEDIETTAS. Etc. 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 

35 min 11 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 

Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 

Box and Cox. 35 min 2 1 

Cabman No. 93, 40 min 2 2 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 
Convention of Papas, ^25 min... 7 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS 



A GABFEST BURLESQUE ON "EAST 

LYNNE" IN ONE ACT AND SOME 

IMAGINARY SCENES 



BY 

HARRY L. NEWTON 

AUTHOR OF 

'Breakfast Food for Two" "A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy" "The Coming 
Ghampion" "The Coontown Thirteen Club" "The Comer Drug Store" 
"The Counterfeit Bills" "A Dutch Cocktail" "Five Minutes from Yell 
College" " The Heiress of Hoetown" " The Little Red School House" 
" Laughland, Via the Ha Ha Route" "Marriage and After " 
"Oshkosh Next Week" "The Pooh Bah of Peacetown" 
"The Rest Cure" "Si and I" "A Sunny Son of 
Italy " " The Troubles of Rozinski" " Two Jay 
Detectives" "Uncle Bill at the Vaude- 
ville" and "When the Circus 
Came to Town," 




CHICAGO 
S. DENISON & COMPANY 
Publishers 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 



CHARACTERS. 

Sir Francis Levi's Sox The Villain 

Archibad Carr Ride The Two-Time Husband 

Lord Count Seven Once was Enough for Him 

Justice B. Ware. . . .Has a Wife but You Don't See Her 

Richard B. Ware 

The Kind Who Make Burlesques Possible 

Mr. Dillpickle. . . .No Play Complete Without His Kind 

Little Willie We Feel Sorry for Him 

Barbara B. Ware Here's Someone Else 

Miss Carr Ride Wait Till You See Her 

Joy Ice Remember the Show Is Not Half Over 

Lady Ringabell. .A Lady but Had no Chance to Prove It 
Madame Tomato Vine. . .More to be Censured than Pitied 



Scene — It has Us Guessing. 



Time — You Guess. 



Place — Guess Again. 



Time of Playing — Supposed to Take a Half Hour, but 
Some May Not Get That Far. 



COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY EBEX H. NORRIS. 

2 

jJCLD 34812 



i 



. 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

"How can we play a burlesque unless someone is mar- 
ried?" "East Lynne is up to date. They come in an auto." 
"Say, where do you think you are? This plot is laid in 
England." "She acts very strangely. In fact, I think she 
is the worst actress I ever saw." "I am Richard B. Ware, 
a fugitive from justice." "The police may discover me 
in spite of themselves." "Ah, the garden gate is open." 
"How high the sky is tonight." "Nobody around. There- 
fore I must be alone." "Do you really think I killed the 
man?" "Some say he was a dead one before you met that 
night." "Hush, make all the noise possible. Someone is 
approaching." "Let's go into the garden where there's more 
room to think." "Sometimes — sometimes I sing." "Woman, 
have a care! A couple of cares." "Say, ain't I the villain? 
Ain't I got to make you trouble ?" "Yes, I have brought you 
here to get you in bad with your wife." "It's a splendid idea 
but rather overworked." "Can't be done. Not in the winter 
time." "You must go before it begins to snow." "Too late." 
"Seven years have elapsed within a very short space of 
time." "I wonder where my husband is ?" "You're not the 
first wife to wonder." "Hello, husband." "Hello, wife." 
"Ah, my little son. Madame Tomato Vine is a fine nurse, 
is she not?" "Yes — she is not." "Oh, what shall I do? 
I am putting the finish of this play on the bum." "Well, 
what's the trouble?" "I can't think of anything more to 
say?" "Then if Willie's dead, let the curtain drop." 



CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. 

Sir Francis Levi's Son — A Young Hebrew. Wears 
black clothing, long black mustache and smokes cigarettes 
constantly, "a la villain in the play." 

Archibad Carr Ride — Middle aged. Wears "flashy" 
apparel, sporting "loud" ties and socks. 

Lord Count Seven — Young. Dresses in foppish man- 
ner ; speaks with "cokney" accent. 



4 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 

Justice B. Ware — A typical farmer of about fifty years. 
He has long gray chin whiskers and sunburnt face. Wears 
overalls thrust in top boots and large straw hat. 

Richard B. Ware — A youthful dude. Wears light check 
suit, straw hat and carries a walking stick. 

Mr. Dillpickle — An old German with marked accent of 
speech. He has small goatee and is dressed in a misfit suit. 

Little Willie — A "silly kid" type. Character to be 
played by a very large (fleshy) man. Wears knee trousers, 
blouse, with, large turn down collar and large bow tie ; has 
red-haired wig, close cropped and small straw hat, with 
elastic band under chin. 

Lady Ringabell — A dashing blonde. She chews gum 
constantly and vigorously and is very conspicuous in gowns 
and hair dress. She later appears as Madame Tomato Vine. 
For a disguise she discards her chewing gum, which proves 
very effective. 

Barbara B. W t are — Young and pretty girl wearing sim- 
ple gowns. 

Miss Carr Ride — A typical "old maid," about forty years 
old. 

Joy Ice — An Irish "Biddy." Wears wig of bright red, 
calico dress and large apron. 



LIST OF PROPERTIES. 

White paper, cut small for snow. Small express wagon 
for Willie. Small palm. Letter for Archibad. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage; C center; R. C, right 
center ; L., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; 
R. 3 E., right entrance, upstage, etc. ; D. F., door of flat or 
back of stage ; upstage, away from footlights, downstage, 
near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 



Scene: Living room in Carr Ride's House, in 4, with 
C. D. fancy and practical doors R. 2 E. and L. 2 E. Fur- 
niture to suit taste. A small palm in tub is on table L. of C. 

At rise enter C. D. } Miss Carr Ride and Dillpickle. 

Dillpickle. Veil, Miss Carr Ride, you know ven your 
brother left home, I had a couple of notions dat he vent 
to get himself married. 

Miss Carr Ride. You did, eh? And how could you tell 
that he was going to get married? 

Dillpickle. Because he look so worried. 

Miss C. R. Well, he never told me. But I always thought 
he loved that girl, for when he first took possession of 
East Lynne, she left some gold fish in his care and when 
he ate them one day, the poor fish died. 

Dillpickle. Veil, dot's too bad. But I got to go now. 
I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. {Exit 
C. D.) 

Miss C. R. (calls sharply). Joy Ice! Joy Ice! 

Enter Joy Ice, R. 2 E. 

Joy Ice. Well, well. What is it ? What is it ? 

Miss C. R. Joy Ice, is everything as uncomfortable as 
possible in Mr. Carr Ride's apartment? 

Joy Ice. Sure, Mike! 

Miss C. R. Thanks. I hope you haven't forgotten to give 
the gold fish fresh water. 

Joy Ice. B'gorry, what's the use? They didn't drink all 
I gave 'em yesterday. 

Miss C. R. Well, then get along about your business, 
and don't keep the audience in suspense. They've come to 
be entertained and not to look at you. 

Joy Ice. Wait wan minute. Is it true about Mr. Carr 
Ride gittin' spliced to Lady Ringabell? 

5 



6 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 

Miss C. R. Certainly. How can we play a burlesque un- 
less someone is married? 

Joy Ice. You said something Sweet Evenin' Breeze. 
Hush ! Listen ! I hear thim comin' now. {Honk of an auto 
horn is heard off L.) 

Miss C. R. "East Lynne" is up to date. They come in an 
auto instead of a carriage now. 

Joy Ice. It fairly makes me shiver to hear the honk of 
an auto horn. 

Miss C. R. Why? 

Joy Ice. Because my husband eloped with a woman in 
an auto, and now (tragically) . and now, whenever I hear 
a horn I think she's bringin' him back to me. (Goes to C. 
and looks off R.) And here they come. Mr. Carr Ride and 
his bride. 

Miss C. R. Good! Now then, we can unravel the bur- 
lesque, the bride and groom are here. 

Enter C. } Archibad and Lady Ringabell. 

Archibad (to Lady R.). Welcome to your childhood's 
home. We owe two months rent here, and from now on, 
like all heroines in the play, you'll have nothing but trouble. 

Lady Ringabell (chewing her gum vigorously). Thanks! 
(Indicates Miss Carr Ride). And who's the Cubeist draw- 
ing there? 

Archibad. That? Oh, that's my sister. If you don't like 
her I'll have her exchanged for another. (The women glare 
at each other.) 

Joy Ice (to xArchibad). Introduce me to her nobs. 

Archibad. Certainly, Joy Ice. (to Lady Ringabell.) 
Ringabell, this is Joy Ice, my old servant. Any time you 
want anything, go get it yourself. And now I have some 
scandal to talk over with Joy Ice. I'm sure you'll never 
miss me any more than I'll miss you. I'll not be gone over 
a couple of years. 

Lady R. (to Archibad). Go as far as you like, Archie. 
I'll stay here and have trouble with the Cubeist thing. 

Archibad and Joy Ice exeunt C. 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 7 

Miss C. R. (to Lady Ringabell). What would you like 
to take? 

Lady R. (chewing gum vigorously). I should like a 
large sirloin smothered with onions. I am very thirtsy you 
know. 

Miss C. R. Say, where do you think you are? This plot 
is laid in England. All they ever eat in England is tea. 

Lady R. (smiles happily). Oh, I just know you and I are 
going to hate each other. 

Miss C. R. Of course we will. And I hope you will be 
awfully discontented at East Lynne. 

Lady R. I can see that right now. Anybody that's ever 
seen the play knows that. (Looks about.) Ah, I remember 
that table when it was a little chair. And it was here that 
poor papa died. He drank himself to death, but they say 
he died in "good spirits." And then Archibad came. Archi- 
bad is a bear ! 

Miss C. R. Archibad has a kind and generous nature. 

Lady R. Yes. Why, he doesn't care any more for a dol- 
lar than he does for his right eye. And you — oh, what I 
know about you ! Oh, won't you love me a little ? Kiss me. 
Nothing makes me sick. 

Miss C. R. (pushes her away). I'll give you a shove in 
the face if you get merry with me. (Exit C.) 

Lady R. Why, she acts very strangely. In fact, I think 
she's the worst actress I ever saw. 

Enter Archibad, R. 2 E. 

Archibad. Well, how's things? 

Lady R. I'm quite at a loss to know how to act. 

Archibad. I can readily see that. Let's take a walk in 
the garden and give somebody else a chance to act. Maybe 
they can do better. 

Lady R. You're on, Archie. Anyhow it'll give 'em a 
chance to set the stage for the garden scene. (Exeunt arm 
in arm C.) 

(All lights out and dark stage for fifteen seconds, then 
lights up again. There has been no change of set and the 



8 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 

lights off and on are merely to lead the audience to be- 
lieve one has been made.) 

Enter Richard B. Ware, C. 
Richard {addressing audience). Ladies and gentlemen: 
I am requested by the stage manager to announce to you 
that you are now supposed to be viewing a landscape scene. 
By exercising a vivid imagination — which we trust you 
brought with you — you can hear the trees leave, the corns- 
talk and the mountain-speak. (Bows and takes a step to 
one side.) I am now Richard B. Ware, a fugitive from 
justice, and not, as you first might have thought, a piece 
of scenery. And even now the police may be on my track 
you never can tell — and they may discover me in spite of 
themselves and this heavy disguise. (Holds up walking 
stick.) Ah, the garden gate is open. (Takes a step for- 
ward and pantomimes the closing of a gate after him.) 
Enter Barbara, stands just inside L. 2 E. 

Barbara. How high the sky is tonight. 

Richard (looks at Barbara). Ah, there is nobody 
around. Therefore, I must be alone. 

Barbara. Did you call me, sir? 

Richard (aside). Aha! I am discovered. It is my sister 
on the stage, but somebody else's sister off. (To Barbara.) 
Don't you know me? 

Barbara (gases searchingly at him). No. Your face is 
strange, but your manners are familiar — very familiar. 

Richard (chuckles — aside). Aha! My disguise is com- 
plete. (Throws dozvn zvalking stick.) Now look. I have 
removed my disguise. (Assumes a dramatic pose.) 

Barbara (in a matter of fact voice). Well, I declare. 
It's Richard. If you are discovered, you will be seen. Oh, 
horrors ! 

Richard. I couldn't go on living as I was. 

Barbara. And where have you been living? 

Richard (mock tragically). In (local town.). 

Barbara. And you have dared come here? 

Richard. I'd dare anything to get away from that town. 

Barbara. Poor bov! 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 9 

Richard. Tell me. Do you really th.ink I killed that 
man? 

Barbara. Really I don't know. (Yawns.) Some say he 
was a "dead" one before you met him that night. 

Richard. I am in-no-cent. Why, Barbara, I wouldn't 
even kill an umpire. What I want is a hundred pounds. 

Barbara (yawns). A hundred pounds of what? 

Richard. Money. What did you th.ink? 

Barbara. I don't know. There are so many hundred 
pounds of things in this world. 

Richard. True. I forgot. And papa? Is papa sore? 

Barbara. He is. He hasn't spoken your name since he 
spoke it last. 

Richard (mock tragically). Oh, this is more than I can 
bear. (Sings, It's a bear, it's a bear, it's a bear.) And 
where is it generally supposed that I am? 

Barbara (yawns). Some think you are dead. 

Richard. And what do you think? 

Barbara. I hardly know. 

Richard (fiercely). I deny that I am dead! 

Barbara. Well, you should know. 

Justice B. (outside, calling). Barbara! O, you Barbara! 

Barbara (to Richard). That's papa, and your cue to 
exit. I dare not remain here another six months, and 'you 
must not remain here a year. 

Richard (picks up walking stick). I am disguised. 
Good night. I shall see you again in the next act. (Exit 

' } Enter Justice B. Ware, C. 

Justice B. Ware. Why, Barbara; why are you not 
driving an express wagon tonight? 

Barbara. Because, father, I am too strong and healthy 
for that kind of work. 

Justice B. That's true. I forgot. Let's go in the house. 

Barbara. Why in the house? 

Justice B. Because the author couldn't think of any- 
thing more for us to say. (Exeunt both L. 2 E.) 

(Lights out and dark stage for ten seconds, then lights 
full on again.) 



10 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 

Enter Lady R. and Miss Carr Ride, C. 

Lady R. I'm sure I don't know what to order for din- 
ner. There's one thing I never eat for dinner, you know. 

Miss C. R. And what's that? 

Lady R. Breakfast. {Chews vigorously.) 

Miss C. R. Humph ! If I was as funny as you think you 
are, I'd go down to the river. 

Lady R. And if I was as funny as you look, I'd jump in. 

Miss C. R. {mock tragically). I shall never speak to 
you again — till the next time I speak to you. {Exit R. 
2 E.) 

Enter Lord Count Seven, C. 

Lord Seven. My word, Ringabell, you are married, and 
to a bloomin' man ! 

Lady R. {mock tragically) . Yes, I am married, and to 
a — a man. 

Lord S. {staggers back). Great heavens! Married, and 
to a man ! And do you love him ? 

Lady R. I don't know. I haven't seen him for several 
moments. 

Lord S. My word! 

Lady R. Furthermore, I married him because he is a 
lawyer. 

Lord S. How extraordinary! And what, pray, has that 
to do with the case, his being a lawyer, y' know? 

Lady R. It will be so easy to ask his advice regarding 
a divorce. Likewise inexpensive. 

Lord S. Yaas, that seems fair enough. But I came to 
warn you against Sir Francis Levi's son. He's a decided 
villain, don't y'know. 

Lady R. So? What has he did? 

Lord S. He has did no deed as yet, but he will did it. 
Hush! Make all the noise possible. Someone is approach- 
ing. {Sound of heavy footfalls off R. of C.) I was mis- 
taken. I thought I heard a noise. 

Enter Arch ib ad, C. 

Arciiibad {to Lord Seven). Ah, old top. I hope I see 
you well. 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 11 

Lord S. If you don't you'd better consult an oculist. 
(To Lady R.) Would you mind staying here a couple of 
months or so ? I have a few words to say to Mr. Carr Ride. 

Lady R. Certainly I shall stay. (Exit R. 2 E.) 

Lord S. Now, sir, tell me why you married Lady Ring- 
abell? 

Archibad. Times are hard. I was out of a job. I had 
to do somebody — something, I mean. 

Lord S. But some men marry and think it over. 

Archibad. Yes, and some men think it over and don't 
marry. 

Lord S. You are a noble man. I only wish I could be 
classed in the latter category. 

Archibad. Then you are not angry at me for marrying 
your ward? 

Lord S. Far from it. You'll get all that's coming to you 
without me rubbing it in, 

Archibad. Then you don't believe in marriage? 

Lord S. I did — once. 

Archibad. And what has changed your views ? 

Lord S. Marriage. 

Archibad. Ha, ha! Very well placed, my Lord. 

Lord S. Not bad, I'll admit. But, come. I've a new 
game to show you. Now we'll suppose that I am thinking 
of a number between one and seven. You are to guess, 
y'know. If you guess it correctly you win a five-pound 
note. If you don't, I win. 

Archibad. Good. I'll try it. (Thinks.) Ah, I have it. 
Three ! 

Lord S. (startled). Bah Jove! You nearly guessed it. 
My word. I had my mind on four and you said three. 

Archibad (chagrined). Just my luck, confound it! 
(Hands Lord bill.) 

Lord S. (taking it). You shall have satisfaction at 
any time. 

Archibad. Very well. Let's go in the garden where 
there's more room to think. 

Lord S. Very well. Let's. (Exeunt L. 2 E.) 
Enter Barbara R. 2 E. 



12 EAST OF LYXX, MASS. 

Barbara (looks after Archibad). There goes the only 
man that I thought would get the sole and exclusive right 
to hook my gown in the back. (Sighs.) But he got away 
from me. Curses! Ah, he is coming back. And she is with 
him because they are together. I shall retire into the con- 
servatory. (Goes to L. of C. and stands beneath palm.) 
Enter Archibad and Lady Rixgabell L. 2 E. 

Archibad (as they enter). Lord Seven is a lucky chap. 
I never guessed one number he was thinking of. 

Lady R. Never mind that. I have — have a secret to 
confess, dear. (Glances nervously about. Barbara is in- 
terested.) I — I — I have kept it as long as I can. I must 
tell you. 

Archibad. Well then, speak. It can't be so terrible. 

Lady R. (tragically and wringing hands). Oh, it is! 
It is ! I had my voice trained before I met you, and now — ■ 
now — 

Archibad. Yes, yes — and now? 

Lady R. Sometimes — sometimes, I sing. 

Archibad (grabs her wrist). Woman, have a care! 
Have a couple of cares! And what is your favorite sing — 
song, I mean? 

Lady R. (hangs head). "Then You'll Remember Me." 

( Archibad falls into a chair. Barbara stands in gloating 
triumph. Lady R. chews gum vigorously, gazing at Archi- 
bad. Dark stage. Lights out for fifteen seconds, during 
which palm is removed and a few pieces of furniture are 
differently placed. Lights full on. Lady R, discovered 
saeted in a chair, still chewing hard on gum.) 

Enter Sir Francis Levi's Son, C. D. He is puffing on 
a cigarette and twisting mustache. 

Sir Francis. Aha! Aha! Lady Ringabell! Aha! 

Lady R. What do you want here? 

Sir Francis. Vat do I vant, is it? Say, I got it a goot 
rights here, y' understand. I am de villain in de play. 
(Comedy business of stroking mustache and glaring fiercely 
at her.) 

Lady R. You have come to tell me you love me. 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 13 

Sir Francis. Aha! You know it yet already. 

Lady R. How dare you speak of love when work is so 
plentiful. (Rises.) 

Sir Francis. Say, ain't I got to be de villain? Ain't I 
got to make you trouble? 

Lady R. That's right. I had forgotten. Now what do 
I say? 

Sir Francis. Veil, you must say, "Unhand me, villain! 
Unhand me, I say !" 

Lady R. (languidly). Very well; consider it said. 

Sir Francis. Goot ! I am now unhanded. De next ting is 
it, you must repulse me. 

Lady R. And how do I re-pulse you ? I never re-pulsed 
a man in my life. 

Sir Francis. Veil, I ain't sure. But I tink you slap me 
on de wrist, near de pulse. 

Lady R. (languidly) . Very well. You are repulsed. Now 
leave me. I have nothing to do until tomorrow. (Yawns.) 

Sir Francis. Goot ! I have now got you in my power 
house. All you have got to do is to sign my cigarette 
papers, and you are mine — aha! (Folds arms and puffs 
cigarette.) 

Enter Joy Ice, C. 

Joy Ice (to Lady R.). Say, for the love of Mike, come 
and kiss your little Isabell good night. 

Lady R. Oh, tell the coachman to do it. I'm busy. 

Joy Ice. B'gorry, I will! And I'll tell him to give her a 
bucket of oats, too. (Exit C.) 

Lady R. Do. Anything to make the little darling com- 
fortable for the night. 

Sir Francis. And now I'm off. 

Lady R. I knew that a long time ago. 

Sir Francis. I mean I should go. 

Lady R. I'm pleased to hear it. Don't slam the door 
on your way out. 

Sir Francis. Lis-ten. You are about to see your hus- 
band vit another woman. He don't love her, but you tink 
he does, because I am de villain, and in a play de heroine 



14 . EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 

always believes de villain until de very last act, ven she 
changes her mind and believes everybody else but de vil- 
lain. Come on. Ve vill go together, and you shall be de- 
ceived. 

Lady R. {takes his arm). We might as well. The sooner 
we get to the last act the better for all concerned. {Exeunt 
R. 2 E.) 

Enter Archibad and Barbara, L. 2 E. 

Archibad. YVe are now strolling near a patch of woods. 

Barbara. Yes, and I have brought you here to get you 
in bad with your wife. You could just as well have met me 
in the daytime, but in this case there wouldn't have been 
any family trouble. 

Archibad. It's a splendid idea, but rather overworked. 
However, we'll try it once more. Now take my arm, so 
my wife can see us. {Exeunt L. 2 E.) 

Enter Lady Rixgabell and Sir Francis, R. 2 E. 

Sir Francis. There they are, Lady Ringabell. Now you 
are deceived, ain't it? 

Lady R. Yes. Take me away. Take me away. Take me 
to {local town). I don't care what becomes of me. 

(Lady R. chews on gum vigorously and languidly fans 
herself, while Sir Francis puffs on cigarette, smiles sneer- 
ing ly and twists mustache, as the stage becomes dark. 
Then during the interval a small stove, oil burner, is placed 
at C.) 

Enter Archibad, C. He is reading a letter. 

Archibad {reading). "Dear Hub: When the years go 
by and my children ask where I am, tell them I've gone to 
get my shoes shined. Yours respectfully. Friend wife." 
{Tears letter into small bits.) Oh, Ringabell! Whatta ye 
mean you're going to get your shoes shined? Oh, how 
happy I am tonight. How happy! 

Enter Richard, C. 

Richard. Ah, good evening. 

Archibad. Good evening sir. What can I do for you? 

Richard {aside). He knows me not. He knows me not. 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. # 15 

(Throws cane down.) Now look! (Strikes comedy dra- 
matic pose.) 

Archibad (staggered). Richard! I am thunderstruck ! 

Richard. Can't be done. Not in the winter time. 

Archibad. And what came you here for? 

Richard. London is getting too hot to hold me. 

Archibad. Too hot. And in the winter time? 

Richard. True.* You are the great little come-back. 

Archibad. But come. This is no place for a minister's 
son. You must go before it begins to snow. Otherwise it 
will snow before you begin to go. 

Richard (runs to door C, recoils). Too Jate! The snow 
has began to snow. 

(Small bits of paper are flung in handfuls on stage from 
L. 2 E. and R. 2 E.) 

Archibad. Curses ! 

Richard (comes back, picks up oil stove). What care I? 
(Starts for C. D.) 

Archibad. Stop ! That's my stove ! 

Richard (turns at C. D.) You're mistaken. It was 
yours. It's mine now. And it shall keep me warm in this 
raging blizzard. Good-bye. See you later. (Exit C. D. 
with stove.) 

Archibad. Well, wh.at do you think of that? My wife's 
gone and now is also my dearly beloved stove. Oh, I am 
so lonely and miserable. (Thrusts hands in trousers pock- 
ets, whistles a lively air and exits R. 2 E.) 

Enter Barbara and Miss Carr Ride, C. 

Barbara. I am now Mrs. Carr Ride. Seven years have 
elapsed within a very short space of time. 

Miss C. R. I hope you will be just as unhappy as Archi- 
bad's other wife. 

Barbara. Thanks. I hope so, too, and I know I shall. 
I wonder where my husband is? (Looks about.) 

Miss C. R. Umph ! You're not the first wife who has 
wondered where her husband was. If I run across him, 
I'll send him up. (Exit R. 2 E.) 

Enter Archibad, L. 2 E. 



16 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 

Barbara. Hello, husband. 

Archibad. Hello, wife. 

Barbara. Did you know, Archie, that I am some singer? 

Archibad (groans). And my other wife used to sing. 
And what is your favorite song? 

Barbara. "Then You'll Remember Me/' 

Archibad. Go ahead. I'll dare you to sing it. (Bar- 
rara sings part of the chorus of song in off key and in a 
burlesque manner.) 

Enter Lady Ringabell, C, as Madame Tomato Vine, 
during finish of song by Barbara. She takes a wad of 
chewing gum from her mouth and sticks it beneath a tabic 
top. 

Madame V. (aside). Now I am disguised. (To Bar- 
bara.) That's the worst singing I ever heard. 

Archibad. Ah, Barbara. This is our new governess. 
Treat her just like one of the family. 

Madame V. I shall expect better treatment than that. 

Archibad. Oh, we're used to servants. We usually have 
two, you know. (Exit C. D.) 

Barbara. Yes. One going and one coming. 

Madame V. (aside). My disguise is perfect. But how I 
long to chew. 

Barbara. Y^ou must be very careful of my children, 
Madame. They are used to being struck with, a baseball 
bat, and anything else would hardly answer. 

Madame V. And if a baseball bat would answer, what 
would it say? 

Barbara. Ah, I see you have a high sense of humor. 
This perhaps will also strike you as particularly funny. 
My little boy has very weak lungs, and the doctor says he 
is not long for this world. 

Madame V. (laughs loudly). That is indeed very com- 
ical. (Laughs.) 

Barbara (laughs merrily). What a charming woman 
you are. But, somehow, it strikes me that I have seen your 
face before. 

Madame V. Yes, that's where I eenerallv wear it. 



EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 17 

Barbara. But of course' I am mistaken. One could never 
see that face and ever forget it. I shall go now and find 
little William. Pray be very careful of the little darling. 

Madame V. I shall be very careful. If I break the base- 
ball bat, you may take it out of my wag'es. (Exeunt Bar- 
bara and Madame Tomato Vine, L. 2 E.) 

Enter Sir Francis', C. D. 
Sir Francis (puffing on cigarette). Aha! I am here 
again. I ain't got much longer to be vit you, as purty quick 
dey get wise to me. 

Enter Justice B. Ware, C. D. 

Justice B. Are you the villain in this play ? 

Sir Francis (aside). Aha! See! I am discovered! (To 
Justice B. Ware.) I am de villain in de play. Vat do you 
vant? 

Justice B. How would you like to be arrested? 

Sir Francis (twists mustache). Veil, I don't know. 
How much vill it cost me? 

Justice B. Not a cent. 

Sir Francis (smiles). Veil, of course, if it don't cost 
me nothing, you may commence to arrest me. 

Justice B. Good. Shake. (They shake hands.) Will 
you come and walk with, me or shall I call the wagon? 

Sir Francis. Wagon? How much vill de wagon cost? 

Justice B. Not a cent. It's a free ride. 

Sir Francis (smiles). Dis is my lucky day. It ain't 
costing me a cent for nothing. Come. Let's go get de 
wagon. (They exeunt C. D., laughing and chatting). 
Enter Madame Tomato Vine, R. 2 E. Crosses to L. 2 E. 

Madame V. (calls off L.). Joy Ice! O, Joy Ice! 
Enter Joy Ice, L. 2 E. 

Joy Ice. Well, what's wanted? 

Madame V. Bring little William up. I want to look 
him over. 

Joy Ice. He's here, ma'am, and he grows weaker every 
hour. 

Madame V. Then carry him in — the poor little darling. 



18 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 

Joy Ice. Very well, ma'am. I'll be after carryin' in the 
poor little darlint. (Exit L. 2 E.) 

Madame V. (goes to couch and arranges pillows). How 
glad I am that my little darling boy is going to die. 

Joy Ice (off L.). Come, little darlint. The new nurse 
girl do be wantin' ye. 

Madame V. Yes, yes. Bring him in, Joy Ice. (At couch.) 

Enter Joy Ice and Little Willie, L. 2 E. The latter is 
seated in a small express wagon, sucking on a large stick 
of candy, while Joy Ice pulls the wagon. They stop at C. 

Joy Ice. Here's the little darlint. Ain't he cute. 

Madame V. (goes to wagon, bends over Willie). How 
are you feeling, Willie? 

Willie (in a deep voice). Rotten! 

Madame V. (to Joy Ice). Pick him up, Joy Ice, and 
lay him on the couch. 

Joy Ice (surprised). What! Pick him up? 

Willie. Yes, go on and pick me up. I'll dare you to. 
(Sucks on candy.) 

Madame V. He must lie down to die. Oh, what shall I 
do? 

Joy Ice (slaps Willie on shoulder a resounding whack ). 
Come on out of that, before I muss up the best room in 
the house wid ye. 

Willie. Now you stop. (Comedy cry.) 

Madame V. (at couch, soothingly). There, there, Willie. 
I'm quite sure she meant only to hurt you. Come here, 
darling. (Willie gets out of wagon, toddles in baby bur- 
lesque manner to couch and lies down.) 

Joy Ice (grabs candy out of his mouth). What do ye 
mean eatin' candy, and ye dyin'? (Puts candy in her mouth 
and exits L. 2 E.) 

Willie. How long do you figure before I die? 

Madame Y. Oh, not very long — if I have my way. 

Willie. Oh, you are so good and kind. I had a mamma 
once. 

Madame V. Only once? How strange. (Laughs.) 






EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 19 

Willie. But why do you grieve so for me? I am not 
your child. 

Madame V. That's why I am so happy. (Laughs.) 

Enter Archibad, R. 2 E. 

Archibad (goes to couch). Ah, my little son. Madame 
Tomato Vine is a fine nurse, is she not? 

Willie. Yes— she is not. 

Archibad (to Madame V.). Do you not perceive a. 
change in his countenance? 

Madame V. No, but I'd like to. You do it. I'm not 
strong enough to change it much. 

Archibad. It's going to be hard to lose him. 

Madame V. Hard? Say, it's going to be almost impos- 
sible. 

Archibad. Well, I got to go and bring in the gang. I 
know they'll enjoy looking at his finish. (Exit L. 2 E., 
singing gayly.) 

Madame V. (cautiously glancing about). We are alone. 
(Goes to table, beneath the top of which she has stuck 
chewing gum, gets gum and returns quickly to couch.) 
Oh, Willie, in your last hour, try to think that I am your 
mother. 

Willie. Say, I wouldn't try to think that on a bet. 

Madame V. (puts gum in mouth and chews vigorously). 
Look me over, Willie. I am your mother ! 

Willie (raises to sitting posture). Well, what do you 
think of that? 

Madame V. And now that you know it, please go ahead 
and die. 

Willie. Oh, very well. (Lays comfortably back on 
couch.) 

Madame V. I just know my heart will break. Oh, my 
child — my child! (Stops, at a loss for further words. 
Punches Willie in ribs.) Say, wait a minute before you 
die. What's the rest of my speech? I've forgotten it com- 
pletely. 

Willie (raising head). How do you suppose I know? 
It's all I can do to speak my own lines. (Lays back again.) 



oct 23 ms 

20 EAST OF LYNN, MASS. 

Madame V. Oh, what shall I do ? I am putting the finish 
of this play on the bum. 

Enter Archibad, L. 2 E., arm in arm with Barbara, 
Richard, Justice B. Ware and Sir Francis. Enter C, 
Miss Carr Ride, Joy Ice and Lord Seven from R. 2 E. 

Archibad (to Madame V.). Well, what's the trouble? 

Madame V. I can't think of anything- more to say. 

Archibad. Then if Willie's dead, and you don't know 
any more, I suggest that we have the curtain come down 
as quickly as possible. 

All (in chorus). Yes — please let it come quicker than 
that. 

Quick Curtain. 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. 



M. F. 

Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 

30 min 6 10 

Great Doughnut Corporation, 

30 min. 3 5 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
<ireat Pumpkin Case, 30 min. ..12 

.Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 3 

Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min.... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Carver's Fancy Ball, 40 m. 4 3 
Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 

min 3 2 

My Lord in Livery, 1 hr 4 3 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min... 3 3 

My Turn Next, 45 min 4 3 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 

Only Cold Tea, 20 min .... 3 3 

Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min. 3 2 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min... 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, *30 min.. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Rough Diamond, 40 min , 4 2 

Second Childhood, 15 min 2 2 

Slasher and Crasher, 50 min... 5 2 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min.. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Treasure from Egypt, 45 min. 4 1 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. . 4 

Two Bonnycastles, 45 min 3 3 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Which Will He Marry? 20 min. 2 8 

Who Is Who ? 40 min 3 2 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 



VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES. ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

M. F. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.10 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. . 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min.. 1 1 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

Five Minutes from Yell College, 

15 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min... 2 1 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. . 1 1 
Handy Andy (Negro), 12 min.. 2 

Her Hero, 20 min. 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min 1 1 

Hot Air, 25 ~min , 2 1 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min... 1 
Mischievous Nigger, 25 min... 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min..'.. 1 1 
Mr. Badger's Uppers, 40 min.. 4 2 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min.. 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min. 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10 

min 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2. 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 

Recruiting Office, 15 min 2 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min... 2 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min... 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min... 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min 2 

Uncle Bill at the Vaudeville, 15 

min 1 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 

Who Gits de Reward? 30 min.. 5 1 



A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison's Catalogue. 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



POPULAR ENTERTAINM 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 2 




IN this Series 
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books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
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Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

New, clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues.dialogues. 

Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch. Negro, Scotch, etc. 

The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 

The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 
For pupils of all ages. 

Humorous Monologues. 
Particularly for ladies. 

Monologues for Young Folks. 
Clever, humorous, original. 

The Patriotic Speaker. 

Master thoughts of master minds. 

The Poetical Entertainer. 
For reading or speaking. 

Pomes ov the Peepul. 

Wit, humor, satire; funny poems. 

Scrap-Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, poe- 
try. 14 Nos., per No. 25c. 




DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys* Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Plans, invitations, decorations, 

games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
The Little Folks, or Work and Play. 

A gem of a book. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Swaying 

Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

HAND BOOKS 

The Debater's Handbook. 

Bound only in cloth, 50c. 
Everybody's Letter Writer. 

A handy manual. 
Good Manners. 

Etiquette in brief form. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Social Card Games. 

Complete in brief form. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues , stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free. 



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